Tears on thy shoulder
by 43n5ic fr3ak
Summary: Harm and Mac support each other through a terrible devastation that grips the Jag family. oneshot. R&R. slight romance towards the end.


"Tears on thy Shoulder." Harm and Mac support each other through a terrible devastation that grips the Jag family.

_Why? By John Etter._

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Today had been an exhausting day for Colonel Sarah Mackenzie. After her argument with Mic about mentioning to a magazine that they were engaged all she wanted to do was hide away from the world and lose herself in the only activity that ever managed to calm her troubled mind.

She sat at the large dining table that occupied half of the room. Scattered about were large tattered books opened on odd pages, hold facts and figures on various dinosaurs, presents Uncle Matt had bought her over the years, her prized possessions.

This time however she wasn't able to compose her mind completely. With the tools in hand, measuring and cleaning, her mind began to wander. Every now and then she would capture herself off in her distant dreams of the future, the ones that were beginning to blur.

Mac was cleaning out the last of the dirt when the phone rang, interrupting the reprimand she was giving herself. Expecting Mic was ringing in a drunken state, hoping to win her round with his slurred words; she grunted at the offending piece of technology and turned away from it.

'_Out of sight, out of mind.' _She thought.

After several seconds of the shrill calls disturbing the silence that had enveloped the apartment, the answering machine finally cut across the high pitched peal.

The silence continued, almost, the muffled sob sounding from the speaker resonated throughout the room, seized her attention immediately. Her nerves stood on end, possible events ricocheted around her brain. Unsure whether she had misheard the cry of emotional pain she gripped the table edge for support and leaned towards to the hushed whispers.

"Mac?" again the voice, strained with emotion. The slight hitch in the voice caused the breath to constrict in her lungs; just the sound of his pain was like an icy hand clutching her heart, freezing the blood in her veins.

"Mac? I need you!" his plea made her lunge for the handset. Her fear for Harm made her hands slick with sweat. Mac gripped the phone so tight her knuckles turned white with the force. She hesitantly pressed it to her ear.

"Harm…" it came out more of a cracked whisper. She tried again. "Harm, I'm here."

"Oh Mac…" Harm trailed of in a stream of tears. The sobs were now coming involuntary, preventing him from speaking.

Mac swallowed the lump that had lodged in her throat and tried to calm him.

"Harm, I have for you, but you need to tell me what's wrong." Realising she didn't know yet increased his suffering. He knew he couldn't tell her over the phone, he knew that he needed to be with her, to hold her while she grieved. Mac also realised this was something that needed to be dealt with face to face.

"Harm…"

"Mac…" both leapt into speech attempting to say the words that wouldn't form. They held their breath waiting for the other until Mac decided to take the plunge.

"Where are you Harm? I'm coming to you…"

"Mac…" thinking he was about to protest at her actions she cut over him to give her reasons for going to him.

"Harm, you need me. You said so yourself…"

"I know Mac, and I do…need you that is. I'm at home. I really…" he trailed off, so she waited until he managed to organise his thoughts and to form the words. "…need you here."

"I'm coming, Flyboy. Just hang in there." With that she disconnected and raced into her bedroom. She grabbed the first pair of shoes she could find and headed towards the door; she picked up her keys and hopped out into the hall while struggling to put her left foot into the right shoe. She quickly corrected her mistake and sprinted off down the corridor.

The drive took half the time that it usually would. Mac thanked every saint she could think of every time she dodged a red light. In no time at all she was throwing her corvette into park and shutting off the engine. She aimed for the door to the building but suddenly doubled back on herself. Hauling open the trunk she swiftly removed her sea-bag, knowing that if Harm had been a big enough of a man to admit he needed her, it was bad enough that she would most likely be needed all night.

Not trusting her luck to last much longer she opted for the stairs, taking them two at a time, three at a time in some places, she took the familiar direction to Harm's apartment. Nearing the top she pulled out her key ready, figuring he wouldn't be in any state to come to the door.

Just to give him warning she slightly rapped on the door, to her surprise it was already open. Pushing herself further into the room she met the darkness that deeply contrasted with her own home. She could make out peculiar lumps around the room, but her eyes didn't pick out Harm. A minute movement gave her the notification she required before she was encircled in his tight embrace.

The force of Harm's impact made them rock backwards and forwards while Mac tried to once again find her balance. Her small arms wrapped around him, her delicate hands danced along him spine in calming motions.

They were only holding each other moments before Mac felt the first of the tears soaking into her shirt. She felt him snuggle his face into the warmth of her neck as the tears increased once more. Eventually Mac was supporting both their weight as Harm collapsed into her loving hold.

"Oh God, Mac. I'm so sorry; I thought…I just guessed…I …Sarah." Harm's rambled cry was muffled as he spoke into her neck. She was almost certain she had heard her name. With this she held him tighter and whispered words of comfort and love, the faces of all the people he loved flashed through her mind as she tried to guess what caused her flyboy this much pain. Annie, Josh, his mother, Frank…Grandma Sarah, her heart contracted at the realisation that he could have been saying his grandmother's name.

"I'm here honey, it's ok to let go, I'm here to catch you." She took this as worst case possible and led them towards the sofa, knowing it could get worse and that she would no longer be able to support his growing weight.

Seated close next to him she pulled him into her arms, cradling his head as she rocked him faintly. Giving him several moments to compose himself into a speech sufficient state, she built herself up to finding out the true events that had conducted this emotional outburst.

"Harm why don't you tell me what's happened? We can get through this together, I promise.

"Mac, I just assumed the Admiral had told you, like when he called me. I know you left the office early but I still thought he would tell you…" Harm's sigh came out more like a hiccup. Mac felt the sudden intake of breath under her hand the she had placed over his heart.

"Tell me what Harm?" at the mention of the Admiral she knew that something somewhere in the happy Jag family had gone wrong, something that would affect them all deeply. The state of the man in her arms was only a warning.

"Sarah…" when ever it came to saying her name his voice faltered.

"Yes…" she pressured, not making the needed link between the name and the subject.

Harm knew that the words he was about to utter would have a profound anguish on Mac. He pulled back so he could see her face; it was full of concern that only served to make the situation more heartbreaking.

"Not you, oh Mac I'm so sorry. Baby Sarah…" he saw the comprehension entrenched in her dark eyes. Her slime frame froze under the icy hand of his words.

"No…Harriet…" like Harm she lost all meaning of words. She now understood why he held her so tight; he had been trying to hold her together. The pieces of her heart that she had put back collectively with her time in the loving Jag family were currently taking a final blow; they were no doubt about to shatter under the strain.

Mac broke, physically and emotionally. The tears came silently. She leant forward, leaning onto her knees. Eventually it all became too much and her breaths came in sudden gasps. Harm panicked as her whole body began to shake.

"Mac, breathe honey, you need to take slow deep breaths." He wrapped his arms around her quivering shoulders, pulling her into his embrace. Mac tried to time her breathing with his but it was no use, she just couldn't control the gapping hole that seemed to be forming in her chest. Harriet and Bud were her closest friends. Little A.J. was her godson. Their smiling faces tortured her mind while her imagination conjured up a vision of a laughing toddler with Bud's cheeky grin and Harriet's blonde curls.

She felt Harm's breath on her neck, he calmly whispered into her ear.

"I'm here honey, it's ok to let go, I'm here to catch you." She just cried harder when she heard him echo her words from earlier. Harm worried that if she didn't calm down soon and get an adequate amount of oxygen into her lungs she was without a doubt going to make herself ill. She could feel Harm's body tensing beside her and she recognized her need for control. She took a large gulp of air and released it slowly. After several more attempts there was a dramatic difference in her stance. He left her side momentarily to fetch a glass of cool water. She gratefully accepted and used it to steady her breathing.

Placing the glass onto the coffee table she collapsed into Harm's side. His arms instinctively snaked around her. They lost themselves in their thoughts and the feeling of being in each others' arms.

Harm noticed the change in Mac's weight as she became heavy with sleep. Glancing down, his eyes rested on her distressed face. Around her eyes was red, her cheeks still glistened with tears. The sight of her delicate physique buried within his encirclement pulled at him. He shifted vaguely to test whether he would disturb her, Mac inadvertently searched out the warmth of his body. He swiftly gathered her into his arms and lifted her close to his body, giving her the support she searched for in her sleep. Never taking his eyes off her face, he trailed the familiar route to his bedroom.

Placing her comfortable on top of the comforter he promptly removed her shoes and draped a snug throw over her. As he went to leave her cold hand gripped his firmly, giving him her silent plea that she still needed him. He stripped off his uncomfortable pants and pulled off his dress shirt until he was in a plain white t-shirt and his boxers. He clambered over and lay beside her. Mac turned to face him and he once again saw tears sparkling in her eyes. Harm soothingly pulled her back into his arms and buried his face in her hair, hailing in her sweet aroma.

Together they cried. No words were whispered between the two. They had a noiseless understanding that the other would support them through their grief. For now that was enough.

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Harm awoke to find himself still in the darkness. Unsure of what had awoken him he turned to seek the warmth of Mac. He now found himself alone and under the comforter. The throw blanket that he and Mac had been sharing was gone, and so was Mac. Fearing she had again run from him in her time of need he hurdled from the bed. He had reached the steps that led from the bedroom into the main living space when he heard it.

Mac's hushed voice still echoed through the apartment. She sat on the sofa, her knees pulled up to her chest. Her fingers were intertwined in prayer; she rested her forehead against them and with her eyes closed she recited a poem from her deep, dark memories, a poem that she had read at one of the lowest points in her life.

_Why does the sun rise and give light,_

_Only to set again too soon?_

_Why do stars twinkle so bright,_

_Only to pass away with the moon?_

_Why does a rainbow appear with colours to show,_

_Only to fade for no apparent reason?_

_Why does a flower take so long to grow,_

_Only to wilt during winter season?_

_Why does snow fall so mysteriously and lay,_

_Only to change and then melt?_

_Why do people enter our lives along the way,_

_Only to leave us when they knew how we felt?_

_I uses no one will really know why, but God above._

_But we should be happy for all those creations_

_We had some time to know and to love._

Mac ended with a faint hitch in her breath. She let out an unsteady sigh as the tears streaked wet rivers over her cheeks. Mac knew Harm had heard her, it was her sixth sense to know when he was close. She felt the cushion change beside her and she leant into his hold. She kept her eyes closed, not in fear that he would see the tears but just so she could image another reason for his careful support.

"That was beautiful, where did you learn it?" Harm was reiterating the words in his head. Unconsciously he strengthened his grip on Mac's upper body.

"Years ago…" she hesitated and for a moment Harm didn't think he was going to get anything more on the topic. "…when Eddie died and I was still in the hospital...I wasn't doing too good, what with the car accident, losing my best friend and not having been near alcohol for nearly three days…I was evil…I tried making it hell for the staff at the hospital but they were used to working with stubborn, grieving alcoholics. They got me to talk to a grievance councillor. He gave me some leaflets to read…it was a load of crap to me…but then I found that poem in one of them…it just put it into perspective that no matter how hard I made it for anyone…nothing was going to change. That's the only thing, well that and drying out, I gained from that part of my life…I've never forgotten that poem…never will ever."

It's going to be ok you know Mac. We'll get through this and then we'll be able to view this whole experience as…" he attempted to quote from the poem "…being grateful for knowing Sarah while we had the chance."

They were both silent for some time before Mac broke it.

"Harm, how are we going to face Bud and Harriet? At work and when we visit little A.J." she gasped at the mention of A.J., she had never thought of how the little boy would take this. Grief was something no one so young should have to face.

Harm leant down to place a kiss on her head before continuing. "Tomorrow…" he glanced at his watch but failed to see the time in the dark. Mac figuring what he was trying to see quickly calculated the time and voiced her conclusion.

"It's 3:56…am" she instantly added.

"Ok so today, we shall go to visit Harriet in hospital and offer to spend some time with A.J. and then we take each day as it comes. Remember that Harriet and Bud are probably thinking the exact same thing."

"Yeah, you're right." Harm could feel her bobbing her head in agreement. "…we're their friends and we're going to do what friends should do at times like this."

Mac raised her face just as Harm descended upon her with a gentle, reassuring kiss. Their lips met and they both felt the electricity buzz between them. They shared a tender kiss before pulling back in unison and voicing together…

"Not yet…" a tense chuckle sounded from both of them.

"…but we will?" Harm hoped to sound certain but it came out as more of a question. To show that she meant to continue later on, she kissed him with slightly more need than before. She traced his lips with her tongue and just as Harm parted his lips, giving her free entrance she pull back. Mac's face was within inches of Harm's, she could feel his uneven breathing.

"Let's get some sleep. Harriet and Bud need us alert tomorrow…today." Harm gathered her in his arms and carried her off to the bedroom.

Both settled under the covers. Mac fidgeted around the bed for several seconds before snuggling into Harm's side. Shivering, she tucked her legs between Harm's, he now realised what she had been doing. Her bare legs sent fierce shivers throughout him, but these shivers had nothing to do with the temperature.

Mac could feel his oceanic blues gazing down on her.

"What?" she mumbled into his chest, sleep was already claiming her. "…those pants were the reason I woke up in the first place. Jeans are not the perfect material for sleeping in you knows!"

"This coming from the insomniac." It was good that they could still have a bit of banter at the hardest of times.

Harm again buried his face in her hair and together they drifted into a much better sleep than their earlier nap.

Their last thought before sleep captured them completely was that together they would survive.

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A/N: so what do you think? It's my first attempt at Jag so please let me know how I did. Thanks for reading.


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